Monday, 19 November 2007

Girls and Boys (II)

Let me tell you three things that I've discovered happen to a man after he starts living with a woman.

1. His tee-shirts and shirts are no longer his own property. They're on loan to him to wear when he's out shopping or at work, of course, but they're always ready to be recalled at a moment's notice and used for pajamas by his woman. He doesn't mind this so much, because women look so sexy in men's shirts and tee-shirts. But he just wishes she would ask before taking them, especially when it's an Armani shirt that he was planning to wear for an important meeting the next day and now it's all wrinkled and smells of girls.

2. When he's ordering food in a cafe, he always has to stay one step ahead of the game. For when a woman says, "No, I don't want anything big, just a salad," what she's really saying is "I do want something more than a salad, but I don't want to feel like I am, so I'll surruptitiously take half of whatever you order." Stay one step ahead of the game: he should always order a portion larger than he really wants, so then he can watch his fries and onion rings disappearing from his plate and into her mouth and know that at least he's still got enough left to fill himself up.

3. He can no longer peacefully slumber in his bed like he always used to, free from constraint and at a temperature of his own choosing. No, now he has to snuggle. He's obligated to do it by an unwritten and unspoken understanding between the males and females of our species. No matter where he goes underneath the covers, there is no escape from the hugging and holding. He never gets used to it. Instead, every night he stays awake until she's asleep and then carefully extricates himself so he can find the space he craves.

He puts up with these things because women are such beguiling and delightful creatures, and because they have breasts. And over it becomes easier to bear because he starts to forget a time when he actually did own his own clothes, when he was entitled to full portions, and when he had the run of his own bed. At that point all of his friends can see that the light has died in his eyes, and they're too sad to even make fun of him anymore. Probably because they're in the same position themselves.


zero_zero_one said...

I've wondered what that was, but I thought you just had some corneal abrasion or something...

Ah, all these things I have to look forward to!

Amanda said...

HAHAHA Funny Post!! I agree with all except the snuggling.

#1 is because "What's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine.

#2 is ALSO because "Whats' yours is mine, and whats mine is mine. And I can claim yours or NOT depending on how I feel.

#3....I'm not a snuggler. Don't like it when my husband gets too close either. Unless its cold, but we're in Palembang now so no chance of that happening.

Bilbo said...

You are an extraordinarily perceptive fellow, and your observations go a long way toward proving my theory that there is really only one woman in the universe, and at different levels of reality, we're all married to her. As to observation 1: Agnes does, in fact often wear my clothes. She can do so with confidence because when we were married, she threw out all of my clothes she didn't like. As to observation 2: absolutely true. There is a corollary, though, which is that the man is expected to consume all food ordered by the lady which she is unable to finish. This serves two purposes: it allows the lady to avoid the embarassment of leaving food on her plate, and it lays the groundwork for her future castigation of you for gaining weight. As to observation 3: very true. Our nightly routine involves Agnes pushing, pulling, tugging and shoving me into exactly the right shape for her optimum snuggled sleeping comfort. Of course, the feel of a warm body in an otherwise cold room is a nice thing (sorry about the Palembang effect, Amanda).

mattiecore said...

On 3: wholehearted agreement